Blog Archives

Empowered v Scripted Sex

Want pleasure? Intimacy? Fun? Empower yourself.

Want pleasure? Intimacy? Fun? Empower yourself.

You can’t be autonomous and empowered if you are being run by sexual scripts.

Whether the script says everyone should be pure or the script says everyone should hookup.

Plenty of women worry that they will be punished for being sexual, “You slut, ho, skank…”

Even after marriage, the negativity won’t magically disappear. No wonder nearly half of American women have experienced sexual dysfunction.

The only message our moms or grandmas got, premaritally, was “sex is bad.” Today, messages are mixed. But can still be disempowering. Read the rest of this entry

Men Using Sex To Gain Intimacy

Sex + Emotion

Sex + Emotion

By Jonathan Cadet

Women need intimacy to get to sex, they say. Well, it may be weak for a man to admit this, but we don’t have sex just for sex. A lot of us have sex because it’s one of the few ways we can express our emotions and gain intimacy.

I’d never thought about it until my women’s psych professor talked about how hard it is for men to express emotion.

But now I think it’s one reason why we seem to crave sex more than women do.  Read the rest of this entry

Early Sex = Less Sex, Short Relationships

Quick sex = quick relationships?

Quick sex = quick relationships?

Having sex early on is associated with short-term relationships. And less sex while in them.

That’s what sociologists, Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, learned after researching young adults for their book, Premarital Sex in America.

When couples in their 20′s went to bed the first day or the first week of knowing someone, only 14% were still in a relationship a year later. If they waited a month or two, 26% remained together. After six months one-third were still a couple.  Read the rest of this entry

How Not To Do Open Relationships


By Dr. NerdLove

Reddit apparently saw fit to provide me with a story about open relationships and dating that’s so perfectly crafted and ironic that it’s practically an O. Henry story.

In case you missed it, a gentleman posted the (now deleted) story of how he pressured his girlfriend into an open relationship to the site’s Relationship subreddit. This Reddit Romeo expected that life in an open relationship would be hot and cold running blowjobs for him while his girlfriend – a heavier woman, although he rushes to point out “she was like this when we started” – would be getting whatever crumbs of affection she could scrounge.

I’ll give you three guesses as to how that all turned out.  Read the rest of this entry

Want “X” From Sex? So Why Do “Y”?

Most want pleasure, closeness from sex

Most want pleasure, closeness from sex

What do people want from sex? Most want pleasure and closeness. But they don’t act like it.

Instead, they’re preoccupied with how they look, what their partner is thinking, how they’re performing, and what is “normal.”

That’s what Dr. Marty Klein, a certified sex therapist and sociologist, says in his book, Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex and How to Get ItRead the rest of this entry

Punishing Girls for Pleasing Guys

Emma Stone, "Easy (scarlet letter) A"

Emma Stone, “Easy (scarlet letter) A”

Why are girls so often punished for pleasing guys?

Girls grow up to learn that both men and society like a sexy look. And then they comply and get slut-shamed.

They grow up to discover sex. They think it’s fun — or not: 43% of young American women have experienced sexual dysfunction. Yet they learn that guys want sex, and some feel pressured to be nice and give it to them. But if they do, they may be punished. And by the way, don’t expect to get pleasured, yourself.

That’s what San Jose Mercury News journalist, Sharon Noguchi, found in her investigation of Silicon Valley high school culture. All these years and the double standard remains alive and well, even in the progressive San Francisco Bay Area. As she put it: Read the rest of this entry

Why Women Dress Sexy

Why do some women dress sexy, showing off their cleavage and body, but get mad when guys stare?

Sexy Mila Kunis

Sexy Mila Kunis

That’s what a guy wanted to know on a forum called Date Hookup.

One woman replied,

Women don’t dress sexy for ya’ll to stare at…women dress sexy to make other women jealous.

But most said they wanted men to look, “but not too much.”

Just because she wants the attention doesn’t mean she wants a guy to be a perv about it. Looks… yes… comments and prolonged obvious stares…NO

Curious as to what my women students would say, I asked them.  Read the rest of this entry

Must I Give Sex To Get Love?

The Pink Lady

The Pink Lady

By The Pink Lady @ Scratch Paper

Let’s talk about sex.

In all honesty it’s never been a very comfortable subject for me, and it’s taken a long time to figure out why. It wasn’t until my women’s studies class in college that the pieces started coming together, and I really started to figure out why I relate to sexuality the way that I do.

Trigger Warning: May be triggering for victims of sexual assault.

When I was younger (early teens) I was assaulted a number of times on my middle school campus, at my church, on various church events, and even in my own home by people who until these acts were committed I was pretty convinced were interested in me as a person.  Read the rest of this entry

Profound Relationship vs Intense Sex

loversWhich would you choose: a loving and profound lifelong relationship? Or a series of short but intense romantic bonds?

Your answer may depend on which you value more, happiness or meaning, says University of Haifa philosophy professor, Aaron Ben-Zeév.

Oddly, we seem to be happiest when our lives are easy. But a sense of meaning comes from contending with obstacles and learning from them.  Read the rest of this entry

Anything Good About Being A Sex Object?

cans1When I ask my students if they can think of anything good about being a sex object they think there must be something positive, since so many women put a great deal of effort into being sexy, with some aspiring to “sex symbolness.” Here’s what they say:

Sexy women get attention. They feel attractive and admired, so it’s a source of self-esteem.

It’s nice to feel wanted and desired. It’s easier to attract mates or just get sex.

It can be fun to feel sexy.

Sex is a historic source of power for women. Sexiness can gain women resources, whether through marriage or getting men to do favors. It puts women in control over men.

Then I ask if there’s a downside. More comments:  Read the rest of this entry

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