Yeah, I’ve Asked Men Out
Guys sometimes wonder why women don’t ask men out. Plenty of women don’t. But it turns out that many have — and do. Here’s what students from one of my women’s studies classes had to say. (My method was discussed in another post.)
Out of the 26 women who responded to my survey, 17 had actually made the first move at some point. So many more had than hadn’t.
Here’s what they had to say:
When I asked if they had ever made the first move, two answered the question strangely: “No. But I did ask a guy to prom.” Or “No. But I did ask a guy out casually.” I counted those as “yes.” I’m not sure what to make of the “No, but yes” answers. Did they say “no” to feel better, given some of the negative reasons women give for not asking men out (see this post), like, “Men are supposed to” or “It’s not cool. People wouldn’t accept or understand” or worries about gossip.
Some weren’t nervous about asking, but others were.
One woman said it was nerve-racking but she’s was glad she did it.
Another said it was nerve-racking and ended up less pleased:
One time I had a crush on my supervisor at work. I tried to draw all my braveness to ask him out. But he said, “No.” He didn’t give me a reason why. I guess he didn’t like me enough to go out with me. I was so embarrassed.
Maybe it would help her to know that he might have feared a sexual-harassment suit since supervisors are generally discouraged from dating those they supervise.
Still another said it was nerve-racking, wishes she hadn’t done it, and will never do it again:
It was beyond nerve-racking. I wish I had never asked him out because I guess I was too forward and strong headed and that scared him away. He’s a very dominating guy so for a girl to ask him out is unheard of. I was rejected. So I am never asking a guy out again. Maybe subtle hints are better.
Women do have to contend with some things guys don’t, with some feeling it’s outside social acceptability, as this woman related.
Maybe that’s why so many said they’d only ask a guy out if they knew he liked her but was just too shy to make a move. In fact, a quarter of them said something like this, “He was shy. If I didn’t make a move, It wouldn’t happen.” A couple guessed right. One said,
After I asked, his response was, “I thought you were cute too, But I figured you were taken.”
Another ended up marrying the guy.
I was the one who asked my husband out when we first started dating. I found him attractive and funny, so I made my move. He said yes and I planned our date. He told me I had to because I asked him.
After only six weeks of dating I asked him to marry me. I figured I would get to know him better while married. 15 years later we are still married.
All of my women students thought it should be socially acceptable for women to ask men out, and said things like this,
It shouldn’t be an issue. If they both like each other, what difference does it make?
Several felt it was, or would-be, empowering. One added,
I would like it to be socially acceptable for both genders to make the first move because when I’m ready to be with someone I don’t want to be limited to the guys who ask me first.
One woman said, “I’ll work for what I want.” Another simply figured,” I have nothing to lose.”
Coming soon I’ll take a look at the guys’ perspectives on this.
Related Posts on BroadBlogs
Why Women Don’t Ask Guys Out
Flip Gender, Flip Ways of Seeing
If Sports Were Covered Like Women’s Beach Volleyball
Posted on February 10, 2014, in feminism, gender, psychology, relationships, sex, sexism, women and tagged feminism, gender, psychology, relationships, sex, sexism, women, women asking men out. Bookmark the permalink. 41 Comments.