Why Women Don’t Ask Guys Out
I teach women’s studies so I asked my students to write down what they thought on the topic.
Have you ever asked a guy out? If not, why not? If yes, why? Were you nervous? How did he respond? Should it be socially acceptable for women to ask men out? Would making a move make you feel more empowered? Or would you rather not have to face rejection?
This is an intro to women’s studies class in the Bay Area, so the women may be more liberal than most.
I got 26 responses. Interestingly, most had asked a guy out at some point. But over a third (9) had not. Why not? Here’s what they said:
About half (4) hadn’t because “men are supposed to.” As one explained,
In high school it was not cool to ask the guy out and people, I feel, would not really accept or understand it.
Another four feared rejection. Well, three did. One liked “the power of rejecting or making it happen because it’s my choice, not a man’s.”
But another young woman really wanted to make a move but couldn’t get up the nerve:
I wish I had more courage. I work part time and I like a guy I work with. If I asked him to hang out and he said no I would feel very nervous and awkward having to see him at work. But part of me just wants to blurt out, “I like you.”
Another worried that a guy might say no and then gossip to all his friends. It’s different for guys, she said, “Because they’re expected to ask girls out and they expect to get some rejection, so rumors won’t be spread about them.”
Since women are considered gatekeepers to sexuality, maybe she worried that “failing at” the initial job of gatekeeping could open the floodgates — or appear to — raising the fear of being called a slut?
In fact, one woman said she never wanted to give a guy a chance to degrade, hurt or use her. I suspect her point was fearing a guy would think she was a slut who only wanted sex. Use, abuse, toss away, and tell.
I have just always wanted a guy to ask me out. It makes me feel like the guy actually likes me.
Is she worried she’d end up inviting sex from a guy who didn’t actually like her? The ho’ factor raising its ugly head once again?
It turns out that girls have a number of reasons, some simple and some complex, for not asking guys out.
And even though none of these women had asked a man out, they all thought it should be socially acceptable.
Next week I will look at young women who have asked men out.
Posted on February 3, 2014, in feminism, gender, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged feminism, gender, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women. Bookmark the permalink. 48 Comments.