Hookup Sex Less Pleasurable
Maybe that’s because partners are more likely to know what the other likes, through both communication and practice. They’re also less likely to have performance anxiety. And, they are less likely to be drunk. That always helps. Meanwhile, love can add a rich vein of emotional connectedness.
So it’s not so surprising that 70% of women and 73% of men in college say they want relationships over hookup sex.
The whole phenomenon doubles down when it comes to women, though. An NYU study found only 40% of women climaxing during their last sexual hookup, while 80% of men did.
It may all be due to nurture more than nature.
Before contact with Europeans – and shortly after – American Indian women were expected and encouraged to enjoy sex – as men are in our society. And they did. With a lot of men. And they weren’t called sluts.
But repressive forces continue to burden modern women, making them less able to enjoy sex —and more likely to feel guilt. Especially when it’s casual. Plus, a majority of women say they need emotional connection to really get into it. That could be due to repression, too, since it’s not clear that Native American women needed it.
Next add this and stir: a lot of guys seem to care more about a girlfriend’s pleasure than a hookup partner’s. As one put it,
I’m not going to try as hard as when I’m with someone I really care about.
And for too many guys it’s about scoring. In this game, her pleasure doesn’t count.
Yet women often feel obliged to pleasure men. Part of the feminine caring or serving role? And they are less likely to be competing for points. No wonder men get more satisfaction.
Despite unequal pleasure women are equal participants in hookup culture. Makes you wonder why, when it feels way less good.
Even lacking pleasure, sex without strings holds both carnal and emotional benefits, some researchers suggest. Like creating a sense of intimacy, however brief.
I don’t get it. Does fleeting physical intimacy minus emotional intimacy actually feel intimate? Consider this from the New York Times:
After his own orgasm that night, she said, he showed no interest in her satisfaction. The next time they got together, it happened again. He “didn’t even care.”
Maybe intimacy’s not what she’s going for. But it’s hard to see what she is going for.
And if it’s carnally so great, why no Ooooo?
Or, San Francisco filmmaker, Kim Huynh, says pleasuring others is empowering. Mediocre sex is a small price to pay for “the freedom to be able to enjoy it all.”
Or why not both enjoy sex AND feel empowered by pleasuring others?
I can imagine a variety of motives, ranging from very positive to more questionable:
Maybe some women enjoy feeling carnal even without climaxing? Or they enjoy feeling free? Or being cool? Feeling like you’re supposed to hook up? Do some feel attractive and chosen? How about experimenting? Learning about yourself? Having sex with men, hoping to feel beautiful, wanted and worthy? (My students sometimes talk about that.) Some are looking for a boyfriend.
Or, maybe it’s the hope that if you keep trying equal pleasure will ultimately come? Who knows, that may eventually work since greater sexual equality would lead to less repression and, hopefully, more of everyone getting their needs met.
Some women do get pleasure in hookups – about 40%. But otherwise, I don’t entirely get it. If anyone has more insight into this, I’m all ears, as they say.
Posted on November 18, 2013, in feminism, men, psychology, relationships, sex, sexism, women and tagged feminism, hook up culture, men, psychology, relationships, sex, sexism, women. Bookmark the permalink. 55 Comments.