Overcoming Sex Addiction

sex-addictionBy Anonymous

I was a sex addict. My attitude was not one of conquest but feeling I had a duty to satisfy women’s sexual needs.

For thirty-five years I tried to seduce every woman and teenage girl I met. I thought that each one was hitting on me, wanting to go to bed with me, wanting me to satisfy them. My mind, on one side, told me this was not so. But the other was looking for the next lady to bed.

But I grew weary of the constant prowl. And I tired of leading two lives. It was exhausting.

The crisis point came after trying to hit on two of my good friend’s wives. They were both upset and demanded I stop.

Between the shame and the energy it took to constantly convince myself that “all” these women “wanted me,” I was not happy. I was tired and not having fun.

I also had anger issues. I wondered why I did not make friends. Why didn’t people start conversations with me? I always had to take the first step. Some called me abusive. I denied it.

Eventually I saw that I lashed out at anyone who disagreed with me and that I had no patience with my ex-wife, my children or my siblings. Why was I always mad? And what was I mad about?

When my mind decided enough was enough it collapsed into a nervous breakdown and I sought therapy.

In therapy under hypnosis I recovered a memory. From the ages of three to five, four women had me perform various sex acts. One was my mother.

In my addiction, I had sought to satisfy women’s sexual needs. Maybe subconsciously pleasing women sexually seemed to be what a good son does?

The abuse led to mistrust of both men and women. Women, because my mother, who should have had my best interests at heart, had merely used me with no concern for my well-being. But I also mistrusted men from subconsciously wishing my father had rescued me. All these qualms left me angry and unable to form close emotional bonds.

I knew that I needed to trust again. And that I needed to let go the belief that my job was to sexually please women. But since sex is so pleasurable, that was not easy.

In another sense, it was easy: Since I had been so unhappy for decades I just repeated to myself that I never want to return to those times. And if I did relapse, and chose to start up again, I just told myself; look how happy you have been when you don’t relapse. That kept me on track.

But I also met a woman who was a soul mate. Making love to a soul mate is much more satisfying than “fucking” some emotionally detached pussy. I’d had so much pussy over the years I just kept repeating to myself, “Do I want to make love to a soul mate or just a piece of ass?”

My recovery required fifteen years of hard work and weekly meetings with my therapist as I traveled through the stages of progress, relapses, and forward steps again until I took control of my sexual yearnings. Do I still have urges to seduce or to be seduced? Yes, but at least now I am much more selective.

It has not been easy, but as I told my therapist, I do not ever want to return to that lifestyle. These past ten years have been wonderful. I have developed close platonic relationships with women friends. I no longer need to constantly lie to cover my tracks, I laugh more, and for the first time in my life I like myself.

When I told an acquaintance about my blog and what I write about he told me this story. I asked if he would write it up, and here it is.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych, women's psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State University. And I have blogged for Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos.

Posted on February 20, 2013, in men, psychology, sex and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. Although highly controversial, the DSM-IV-TR, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual for mental illness, which covers everything from nicotine dependence to schizophrenia, as well as many sexual disorders such as voyeurism etc.; no such diagnosis of “sex addiction” is listed as a distinct disorder.

    The new DSM, the DSM 5, is due out in May of this year, and along with many others, I hope this is included in the revisions because it does, without a doubt, change one’s brain chemistry.

    Studies have shown and proven gambling to be an actual diagnosis due to the fact that it does change the way our neurotransmitters behave, Many people also agree that a similar change occurs when applying it to sex addiction.

    On the other hand, as human beings, we are “programmed” to seek out sexual relations at varying rates depending on an individual’s libido.

    In other words, is sexual addiction sometimes used as an excuse for illicit behavior, or perhaps to apply the principal to get out of an infidelity mishap?

    Until we see a recognized diagnosis in the DSM, sexual addiction remains a topic of debate.

  2. What a lovely and sensitive rendition of this personal story. Thanks. Good job with it. I can have a bit more sympathy to a guy I know like this who’s still (and may always be) in the denial stage.

    You are right on in your response to the comment above. As a psychiatrist with decades of experience, I’ve come to realize that the DSMs are written under the duress of financial conflicts of interest and do not accurately reflect reality. Theories of brain chemical causation are just that: theories. Not facts.

    If it acts like an addiction, it’s an addiction. Alice

  3. Adorina Betgorgiz

    Interesting! I am curious about what exactly his mom has done to him that had such a huge impact on him! And how his dad didn’t defend and protect him. It’s interesting and sad that such problems in childhood can have such dramatice effects on a persons life as an adult. Its also a question to me how his soul mate was able to trust him! Is sex addition harmful to him because he’s not able to make friends? or because even though he thinks he’s doing a favor to this women by sexually satisfying them, but he knows these women are not happy with the way he forces them or treats them? why he’s not happy? if that was what he wanted all this time and he got it! It’s a new topic for me that I never thought about it and I have lots of questions about it in my head. A person who smokes, is addicted to smoking, knows the unhealthy results and ignores it, but the addiction still makes him happy and relaxed! But why this person wasn’t happy! is it that all sex addicts think they’re happy but unconsciously they are not!!

  4. Hmmm…. I’m a little bit sceptical about memories “revealed” under hypnosis. Memory is such a malleable thing that it’s possible that the memories were false or exaggerated, particularly if the hypnotist was “encouraging”.

    On the other hand, this is a highly disturbed individual. It’s quite possible that he was indeed the victim of some sort of child sex abuse (which is probably far commoner than any of us care to think). And if framing his history in this way helps him to curb his behaviour and quiet his demons, then I wish him every success.

    Vivienne.

  5. I find this story very sad. Im glad he was able to find some peace but the idea of 4 perverted adult women would force a toddler to perform sexual acts on them. but i guess if this man remembers this it must be true. I am curious as to what he told his mom after this memory came to light. I too am also curious to know exactly what occured that would be so engrained into his personality that he would feel it necessary to fulfill women’s needs like that. And with the abuse being so traumatic, I’m wondering how he was able to improve his problem with just therapy?

    • Since you are presenting yourself as an expert on what would and wouldn’t work in this man’s situation — despite the fact that his lived experience shows that therapy works – I’m wondering what you believe would work better than therapy?

  6. Isn’t it a shame that if this post was written from by a woman, there would be no doubt to the authenticity of the story? Yet, since this is a man telling his side, we automatically judge and question how truthful his story is. I commend him for seeking counseling and for keeping up with it to improve himself. He recognized a problem that most other men, and some women, would consider normal behavior for a man. One comment mentioned that sex addition is not a district disorder; I would argue that any addiction that alters our behavior or causes harm to yourself and others is a cause for concern. His lifestyle was not only affecting him, it was also impeding the happiness of those close to him. The details of his revelation are horrific, but we’ve heard much worse in recent times on the news. I’m glad this man was able to get the help he needed and continues to improve.

  7. I will attempt to answer as many questions as I can with the following response and keep in mind I was approximately 2-4 years old when the four women did what they did to me. Also, try to realize it was the combined effect that what happened to me, It was not just what my mother did to me that contributed to forming my attitude of making me think that I had to satisfy women’s sexual needs.
    Two of the four women had me suckle their breasts on multiple occasions, my mother had me,”go down on her,” and one woman used my, 2-4 year old hand as a penus and would plunge it in and out of her vagina.
    My soul mate and I never had a trust issue between us, she had her baggage also, but we just accepted one another as is for the years that we dated. As for my unhappiness issues, they were not addressed until my therapist brought to the surface my abuse and my long suppressed inability to talk about what had happened to me. I too was skeptical about the process of hypnotism being able to unravel what was festering in my subconscious. All I can tell you my therapist did not lead me along or encourage me towards any direction. I am totally comfortable with the process that was used to achieve what was brought to the surface.
    When I confronted my mother–I told her how sad and angry I was that she had me, “eat her out”. Her immediate response was, “oh no that was not me, but your Uncle John’s wife that did those things to you”. I realized she was lying, since I asked myself–how could she know this aunt was doing this to me and why didn’t she protect me from her. To this day, I know my father was totally unaware of what happened to me at that time in my young life.
    I hope this will help give you all a clearer idea of why my very young mind reacted the way it did and as my therapist told me I was somewhat fortunate to chose sex addiction versus, being a pedophile or a drug addict or alcoholic.
    You see ladies even with all this baggage I was able to graduate and have a successful dental practice for thirty six years.

    Anonymous

  8. One additional comment I would like to address for the cynical individuals comments: I must tell you that there is no need for such attitudes; just because your life’s experiences do not match what you expect of or from others–there is no need for you to make judgements about someones life experience that is different from yours.

    Anonymous author of this article

  9. Hi, I am so sorry for what has happened to you when you were a little kid and how your dad did not protect you. I learned something from this post, before reading this article, i did not know that something that happened to you when you were 2-4 years old can affect your attitude towards our sex and love life since i cannot remember what i have done when i am 2-4 years old. But i am glad to hear that the author of this story was able to overcome his problems by visiting a psychiatrist and can now talk to women without the purpose of hitting on her and sleeping with her because i believe that sex is much better when you are emotionally attached with the women.

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