Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality

By Demon Ted

Does porn raise men’s expectations of how women should perform in bed? I believe it depends entirely on the man’s ability to distinguish between real life and fantasy.

True, you could try to recreate porn in real life. But then it’s not real. It’s acting. So you’re back to fantasy.

I think porn is great to enjoy. But men must realize what it is.

Unfortunately, a lot of men (and some women in regards to things like Twilight) get fantasy and reality mixed up. And that can harm relationships.

Take my girlfriend’s ex. He’s a nasty piece of work. Barely finished high school, can’t drive, no job. Literally sits at home all day. But because my girlfriend was young when she met him, he became a lot of “firsts.” And he made her think that things that weren’t healthy were.

She didn’t expect to ever get off on real sex, or that her significant other should even try. Early on she told me that she would be “totally down for a threesome” if I saw another girl I found attractive. She later recanted when I told her to never suggest anything that makes her uncomfortable or unhappy.

As we talked on she began blurting out a long list of things her ex did, sexually, that she asked me not to. The worst part was that after she had listed everything, she thought I was angry with her.

I was angry. Not because she had asked me not to do certain things, but because I realized what she had come to expect. I had thought she’d say something like, “I don’t feel comfortable with the lights on,” not, “Please don’t tell me I’m a dirty slut for enjoying your cock.”

I was upset that she had let someone treat her, for lack of better words, like trash. I had to explain that, even without her asking me not to do those things I would not have done them.

I saw that she had come to believe that she must do things she hated for a relationship to “work.”

Obviously we’ve talked about these things and she realizes that, yes, I do watch porn, but that porn is porn. I do not expect her to act like the girls in it, nor should anyone else.

My girlfriend is beautiful. She’s incredibly attractive just the way she is. And she’s most beautiful when she’s enjoying herself, sexually or otherwise.

This was written by one of my students who gave permission to post it under a pseudonym.

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
Should Women Give Men The Porn-Star Experience?
Men, Women & Internet Porn
Sex Objects Who Don’t Enjoy Sex

About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych, women's psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State University. And I have blogged for Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos.

Posted on October 22, 2012, in feminism, men, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex, sexism and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. You have some incredibly insightful students, Georgia.

  2. Awww thanks for sharing what your student wrote. It breaks my heart that his/her girlfriend went through that.

    x,
    Becca

  3. I would like to know how to tell if a guy believes that porn is how it should be, and one that knows it is not reality….before you get to the point of having sex.

  4. Good for him for taking such good care of her. Her ex should have some sense knocked into him. Wanker.

  5. I think that porn in fact does raise some men’s expectations in bed. This only happens if men don’t realize that it is in fact fantasy and NOT real. The problem with having these high expectations is that you will never be satisfied with your partner because it will never be the same way it is in porn unless you reenact it and like the author said that wont be real either.

  6. I have a family member that was in a relationship like your girlfriends. against my parents wishes she dated and married this man and soon after they were married he frightened her so bad that she would not leave her home, and the only thing that would calm him would be to taunt and torment her. It was hard to see it go on but the more we told her to leave him the more she did the opposite. I give your girlfriend major kudos because she was able to get out of that relationship and in one with a person that cares about her. Please let her know that it take a really brave person to do that :)

  7. I feel that part of the reason why we have this epidemic among young men (and some young women) is that there is no real form of sex education other than what they can find on the internet or in porn videos and magazines. Sure, there is the basic high school sex ed class where everyone learns the basics of their body and how it functions, but there is no talk of how to approach or respect sex with another person. Young men then turn to pornos to learn how to have sex, and think that for them to do it “right,” they need to act just like the men in the video. Young ladies, too, might turn to porn to know what to expect from their first sexual encounter and may also adopt the belief that this is how “normal” sex is supposed to be. There needs to be a safe place for teens to go, like a sex counselor of sorts, where they can freely ask questions and be educated on what “normal”, respectful sex is. Also, there they would gain a level of confidence that their sexual desire and the confusion that comes with the mystery of sex is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

  8. Hi. I like this post. You’re right. We men don’t have to aim that our girlfriends do those things. Is better to enjoy our sexual life in a good and natural way.

  9. Alexander Ghanma

    I loved this post. It really shows that there actually are nice guys out there. I feel for this guys girlfriend because her mind had become so corrupt that her morals and ethics have lost touch with the reality of what is right and what is wrong. Suffering scars from an old love most of the time get brought into a present relationship causing the current relationship to suffer and go down the same road of the old one. I think of it as a map. Your ex has drawn a map for you on how to make a relationship “work.” After driving for so long the road finally ends (start of a new relationship) and the new path isn’t on your old map. We tend look at our old map(s) from time to time to take the lessons we learned from our old journey to help us with our new one. Some are good and some are unfortunately dangerous. I believe that you and your new love should draw a new map together. Filled with sex, love, and happiness.

  10. I agree with Alexander. This post shows how there are still some good men out there. There can be some really messed up guys out there just like that girlfriend’s ex he was speaking of. It is interesting though how that girl or anyone would put up with someone like that and with that kind of relationship. I guess it does happen though. In the end people realize that they just can not keep it up, nobody is worth it. To be put through that kind of treatment. We are worth so much more, and we can always find ourselves in a better relationship with a better partner.

  11. Unfortunately there are some men who have a certain expectation in the bedroom. One of my friends worked at a hooters restaurant and to make her chest look bigger she wore two bras. She went on a few dates with someone she met there and when the time came for second base the guy called her a tease. She called me the next day to tell me what happened. He was disappointed that her chest wasn’t as big as he imagined. He even suggested that she get implants. Of course there relationship didn’t last because she’s not going to change for someone who isn’t happy with what they have. So it’s sad to hear that men’s expectations are ruining relationships.

  12. I’ve watched porn with my partner sometimes. At first when he had suggested it, I felt like there was pressure to follow what was going on with the video almost to make it a reality. At least until I realized that my partner wasn’t expecting me to be like the video. To him the video was just fantasy, but to me as a women I felt like I was supposed to be like the film. I was grateful when my partner did not expect me to be like the film. But it was weird at first for me to seperate reality from fantasy, it is almost as if as if I put pressure on myself.

  13. I feel like porn is basically like a fantasy world. Due to the fact that the women are being payed to have sex. So of course they are going to say that they like it and its like something they have never had before because their main goal is to arouse the person on the other side of the scren so they could pay money to see more of them. Men that want their girlfriends to perform like the porn starts can’t keep reality and fantasy apart. When you are having sex with your partner it’s a special bond that you are having with them emotionally and spiritually. And pornstars dont have any feeling or emotions when they are having sex its their job so they treat it like that. i dont think men should expect normal women to be like that because like the guys girlfriend it made her feel like she had to be held to a certain standard like she had with her ex boyfrind. I feel like her ex boyfriend exploited her just because she was young and took advantage of a innocent girl and turned her into a sex object basically. He ruined the emotional and spritiual side if sex for her.

  14. It was interesting for me to read male’s perspective on sexual reality of our days. It is great that he can distinguish real life and porno. Porno in our days contains a lot of violence toward women. It promotes brutal behavior toward them. It is really awful and sad because, unfortunately, you can hear from women about this horrible relationship, about which he wrote, when women stuck in it and which works just by sex, brutal sex. Also I know that sometimes such brutal relationship could be the first long one, and woman starts to think that sex should be like this. That sex is about man’s pleasure, as it is taught by porno movies. As many other adults and teenagers I watch porno sometimes, but primary it is homo porn movies, about gays or lesbian. Somehow they look more “right” for me because both partners got satisfaction from act without hurting each other and they are equal to each other, there no one super dominant who humiliate other one. I wish there were porno movies for women as well. Movies in which everything would be for “chics pleasure.” It could be better if today’s porno would be changed becoming less brutal, but I’m afraid it won’t happen. I see how things go worth and worth because not all men see brutality in porno movies.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: