Should Women Give Men The Porn-Star Experience?
A lot of guys have come to expect P.S.E. [the "Porn-Star Experience"] … and plenty of women are more than happy to provide. A few might enjoy it, but for most it’s harrowing. I think there’s a fear that if they can’t make it happen, their boyfriend will retreat online.
That’s from Sadie, a real estate agent, talking about what women do for men who find “normal” sex dull after extreme online porn.
Davy Rothbart blames porn for his own difficulties enjoying real sex with real women. “For a lot of guys, switching gears from porn’s fireworks and whiz-bangs to the comparatively mundane calm of ordinary sex is like leaving halfway through an Imax 3-D movie to check out a flipbook,” he writes. So women “willingly play along by a new set of rules in order to keep their men interested.”
Should women give men the porn-star experience? If they’re both loving it, why not?
But should women undergo pain to supply their men over-the-top pleasure?
The Ms. Magazine Blog recently ran a piece by Robert Jensen, a professor and feminist who speaks on pornography. Women frequently ask him whether they should fulfill their guys’ disturbing requests. Or they ask why men want them to perform acts they find upsetting, whether, “ejaculating on her face, anal sex, a threesome with another man or woman, rough sex or role-playing that feels inauthentic to her.”
“I love him,” they say, “and I want to be a good partner. Should I do it?”
Here’s the perspective of this thoughtful feminist man.
Some women are game, he recognizes, but those who are not are under no obligation, no matter the level of commitment, to participate in any sexual activity that causes pain, discomfort or distress.
It’s great to honestly discuss desires and be open, he adds, but partners should also be clear about what crosses the line.
Asked, “Why does he want to do that to me?” Jensen points out that, “In patriarchy, men are socialized to understand sex in the context of men’s domination and women’s submission.” Pornography, he says, isn’t “images of ‘just sex,’ but sex in the context of male dominance” that includes “little recognition by men of the potential for pain, discomfort or distress in their women partners.”
Ejaculating on a woman’s face is largely about humiliation. Rough sex often enacts male dominance, and threesomes can be seen as male ownership of sex-object women who fawn over him.
Next, women wonder why their men can’t understand that they don’t want to do certain things.
Jensen says strong sexual desire plays a role. But so does an absence of empathy – the
ability to imagine what another person is feeling. These men think the acts sound exciting and they can’t envision their partners not feeling the same way.
A lack of empathy may be a warning sign when men are unwilling to grow, for healthy
relationships require it.
Jensen recommends a vision of equality and moving away from objectifying women to
overcome these problems.
Bottom line for women: Stay true to your values and to who you are.
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Posted on August 3, 2011, in feminism, gender, pornography, psychology, sex, sexism, women and tagged feminism, gender, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex, sexism, sexual objectification, women. Bookmark the permalink. 27 Comments.
I agree. Women in pornography videos make it seem that all of the sex acts that they do are sexy and pleasurable, when in reality most “real” women would never engage in a threesome or allow a man to ejaculate in her face. The women in these videos, in my opinion, are degrading themselves only to please men. If your partner truly loves you, he/she will not put you through the decision of having sex the way they do in pornographic videos or “regular” sex. Instead the two should talk and discuss what each like and what they don’t and maybe try to do new things, but taking in consideration what each other like.
I agree with Jazmin. I think a man and a woman should discuss what each likes and what each person is comfortable doing. I do think a woman should agree to doing something her boyfriend seen a in a porn just to make him happy. A man who truly loves and cares for you will not leave you or make you do something you are not comfortable doing. I do, however, think that when a man watches too much porn, he starts to see his partner in a different light. That his partner should be just like the women in these videos but most women are nothing like that and will not agree to doing certain “degrading” things such as letting her partner ejaculate in her face. Because as stated in the article, its about humiliation and why would a woman want to feel humiliated during sex?
To clarify ” I do not think a woman should agree to doing something her boyfriend/partner seen in a porn just to make him happy.”
First off i would like to clarify that a woman should not perform any sexual acts that she doesnt want to do. If the guy is not pleased with his partner then maybe he should find a new one, or stop watching porn better yet. I think that porn is degrading to women and sets a bad example of how the sacred act of sex is to be played out. although i must say i am a fan of many positions and trying new things, if it entails degrading women then i’ll pass. even though i am a firm believer that women should do all they can to please they’re partner, i also think men should equally try to please women. Bottom line is that sex should be something that comes naturally, not something thats scripted and directed with a storyline.
Women who make porn are paid to do it, if you aint getting paid there’s no reason you should ever let a man do that to you. Porn is destroying sex for couples making it into this elaborate scheme and it’s terribly annoying. I haven’t been faced with strange partners as of yet but a close friend of mine told me about how her boyfriend wanted to cum on her face and she let him but she didn’t act all enthusiastic about it, he asked why which made me laugh. Why the hell would someone ever want to have something so nasty on their face? Do men know how much money women spend on face wash, makeup, facials, and all that other crap? It’s like asking us, “Hey babe wanna go smear some dog poop on your face, I think it’d be really hot.” WTF!?
Anyway thing is, women shouldn’t objectify themselves to make their man happy. If they like that kinda stuff they can watch it online. Women don’t need to bring that into their bedroom if they don’t want it there. If they become disinterested because of that, that isn’t their fault, and they should go find a new man who appreciates a real woman who doesn’t make sex into something negative. Sex is beautiful and porn needs to stop ruining it for the rest of us.
It is without a doubt that women in porn raise the bar for sex standards. This may make some girls feel as though they have to meet that standard to please their significant other. However, on the broader image, I don’t think that porn ruins sex. I strongly believe that females have the willpower to know that no matter what, men will always desire them. Because of this, it raises their confidence. By giving the porn star experience, it empowers women more. It will make men want something that they can’t always have. Because of that, the upper hand always belongs to the female. I know that with my ex-girlfriend, whenever we had erotic sex, it made me wanting more. However, I never always got it, and it always left me wanting more. It was always a special “gift” that my girlfriend gave to me, an advantage that she always knew she had.
True. But some women are totally grossed out or even hurt emotionally by the things some men want to do. And while some men still want sex as you believe, others say the real thing can’t compete with porn.
It seems the main point of pornography is for male ejaculation.If this drives sex in a relationship then it makes sense that a man would share the tools he has learned through pornography to reach this end.Having said this i would say the majority of pornography ends with the man masturbating himself.with the new wave of ‘gonzo.’ pornography oftenly the aim is purely to abuse the female and not even to ejaculate.If a women want’s to give a man an orgasm, sadly pornographical acts or thought will quite likey come into play. I both men and women’s true nature is to use sex as a spiritual act of intimacy.Pornography tries to do this pychologically. by objectifing and abusing women, it shows their submission and this submission is seen as an act of yielding and intimacy. This type of thinking can not sustain the level of intimacy that a real relationship has the capacity to provide. To conclude women should not give men the ‘P.S.E’ but in the same token should move from view sex as a bartering currency to it being a spiritual process. This comes from a womens ability to come from a place of true power and compassion.
As a women matures I believe their understanding of spirituality increases.Childbirth is an ironic but good example. This understanding should be at the forefront of sex in a relationship. but comes from both the man and the women understanding the balance of male and female energy in all living things and in the universe.and how this can be brought to the present moment through sex.
I always find it rather ridiculous when some feminist tries to lecture that such and such a sex act is about humiliation, or dominance or degradation or whatever. The reality is, women have no clue whatsoever what men feel about such acts. If *YOU* would feel like that in that situation, fine, but it has nothing to do with what the man would feel about it. These desires are so primal, trying to label them in the categories of a feminist agenda just seems ridiculous to men.
Question: If a man feels degraded or humiliated by doing the dishes, maybe should he suck it up and do it anyway?
1)Just because a man doesn’t find something humiliating doesn’t mean a woman shouldn’t. Men’s definitions aren’t all. (The feminist agenda is to make clear that the way men see things isn’t the way everyone should see. Women’s feelings are equally relevant. And if women find it humiliating, they shouldn’t do it.
2)A lot of the appeal of those acts for men is that they are humiliating. We’ve learned to sexualize women’s humiliation.
3)Doing dishes is completely different. The only reason it would be seen as humiliating is because women are assigned the task, and therefore men are thought to lower themselves by doing degrading “women’s work.” Work associated with women should not be seen as degrading.
2) How do you know that the appeal for men of those acts is that they are humiliating? Since humiliation is defined as a loss of self-respect and dignity, that doesn’t explain why women are usually portrayed as enjoying it. If the aim was to humiliate, they would always be portrayed as not enjoying it.
3) Now you are lecturing men about the circumstances when they may or may not be allowed to be humiliated! But if a man wants to gently suggest to a woman that a certain thing should not be regarded as humiliating, then the double standard comes out.
1) by this logic, if I find doing the dishes humiliating, I shouldn’t do it! End of story, end of discussion apparently.
2&3)not only is it common knowledge, but I’ve read of some men saying so. Additionally, some men and some women say they sexually enjoy being humiliated. If people are into it, fine. If they aren’t they shouldn’t feel pressured.
1) see my last comment again.
Porn fun fact: I applied for a modelling job on Gumtree.com, (a UK version of Ebay, basically.) It turned out to be for a porn site, and they were paying only £25-35 for topless modelling and £80-£120 for doing a porn film!!!! Which thousands of people will see (basically prostituting yourself and it being seen by many people.) Now, I am not against porn. Hey, I met my buyer through offering BDSM porn art for sale on Gumtree. But seriously that is EXPLOITATION, they should pay at least two or three thousand if not six or seven.
Isn’t the nature of pornography to exploit?
I’ve been thinking about social structure and how historically the upper classes would abuse women of lower class as a statement of power. With the freedom of speech via the internet, and the rise of ‘gonzo’ porn which from what i understand is following the ‘hustler’ model of ‘working class’ porn it seems that this nature is coming to the forefront of this ‘art.’ i was listening to a conversation these two young men were having today, they were joking about ‘gangbanging.’ and then proceeded to eye up some women across the street. they appeared to lack confidence in their appearance. and the irony is that with self esteem and respect they probably could of won the hearts of a woman. but pornography has really infiltrated this generation.the internet generation, what is lacking is social skills and the ability to build real life relationships… i do have faith that eventually people will realise the value in this and start to focus on this precious skill.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Pornography is both for the pleasure of men and woman. Although it is mainly directed for the male audience there are plenty of women that enjoy it as well. What is done in porn is to pleasure you to the extreme and in my eyes not to humiliate or degrade anyone. It is simply up to you on watching it (if you don’t like it don’t watch it). If your boyfriend or sex partner is making you do things you don’t feel comfortable doing well that is a whole different aspect. You should never do something sexual with someone if they are forcing you to do it or just to simply pleasure them while you’re feeling uncomfortable. When in a relationship with a man there should be open communication in all aspects especially when it comes to sex. It never hurts to experiment and try new things out in bed. If you try it and don’t like it, its as simple as not doing it again and communicating with your partner on how it makes you feel uncomfortable. Communication is the key and humiliation or degrading is definitely not that route or words I would use to explain pornography.
Sexuality is a very broad topic, encompassing many different theories as to why some sexual acts happen, which always brings up should they happen. The fact is if both partners are open about their desires, and in agreeance about them, then everything is okay. Some women enjoy certain things and some don’t and the same goes for men. This is no different than any other preference one has for food, clothing or music. The bottom line is do not don anything that you don’t want to in bed ever. Pornography has many many categories, this article adresses it as if there is one kind, there is porn for everyone! Even where the men are submissive and the women dominate, thats the fun part about porn, an adult will know how to draw the line between reality and stimulation.
Not meaning to say that there is only one category of porn. But this is the category that can give women the willies.
And I appreciate your saying “don’t do anything you don’t want”. I don’t understand men who want women to do things that are miserable for them. I couldn’t enjoy sex if I felt like my partner wasn’t enjoying it.
“The bottom line is do not don anything that you don’t want to in bed ever.”
How is it physically possible to voluntarily do something you don’t want to? How do you define “want to”?
Seriously? People do things they don’t want to do all the time to please others. They don’t want to do the act. They do want to please the other person.
i feel sorry for anybody who has had to do anything sexually that made them feel degraded and if you felt that way, that something to be discussed with whomever you are having sex.
that being said, i’ve had in-depth discussions with several female friends about things of this nature and i have to say that everyone who whole-heartedly believes that every girl who has had to touch semen are being degraded or humiliated needs to make some new friends. every human body is different and has unique sensory networks. pleasure to one may be pain to another and vice versa. sure i’ve discussed with girls who said that they only did certain acts out of a sense of obligation, but that they didn’t particularly care for them. sometimes they didn’t specifically like them, sometimes they didn’t care either way. one told me once that she “liked the pizza enuff that didn’t mind that it had olives on it”.
others i’ve conversed with (and perhaps these girls were far more open to me because they knew i was never gonna proposition them for in-person proof) told vastly different stories. for every “no girl actually likes doing that, they just do it because it makes their man happy” situation, i’ve met countless girls who actually (gasp) loves these things. one friend told me her perfect evening that consisted of watching comedy movies whilst spooning with her boyfriend on the couch engaging in a very specific penetration. she loved the movies and cuddling, but it was the whole package that made it the perfect night. another friend told me that she only ever had vaginal intercourse when her bf wanted to.she enjoyed it but she never reached orgasm from it. she told him if he wanted to get her off he had to as she put it, “handle that back door”. this,she said, was always how she was wired.every since her first bf at age 17 and not due to any childhood trauma. another friend refers to herself as the BJ queen . what she enjoys is the power of controlling the orgasm and is indifferent about the resulting semen. friend # 4 says she salivates around her bf until she can get his erection in her mouth. NONE of these girls are porn stars or porn star wannabees. none of them have ever done anything on camera or would even dream of doing so. they are simply who they are and don’t think they are any different from any other girl in the world. and you know what, i don’t think they are either.
Makes sense to me.
I find this sad really., I kinda think that women should give men the laziest sex they can from the get go so that the man knows what to expect and is happy about whatever bone they throw him. I think the gender wars have turned the most fun act a human can do besides running into a warzone. I’m so glad I have alternatives to women sometime.
I feel that men should just carry around a laundry list of the bare minimum of what they desire in bed. That way they MIGHT find someone that is willing to give that to them without jumping through many hoops.
I don’t think that woman should give their men the “porn star treatment”. I don’t even agree with how that sounds. I feel like a woman wouldn’t even really enjoy herself because she is so concerned with how she looks, or what she is doing to turn the man on and forgetting about her own personal needs for sex. I agree with Jensen on that if a woman wants to do these things, she should. I feel that she probably is turned on by acting that way but for women who do not like the thought, or it seems to painful should not submit to these things. I don’t think rejecting a man of these things will make or break a relationship.
I completely agree that you should stick to what feels right to you. It annoys me when a man takes offence if I won’t have anal sex with him. Just because he saw it on porn, doesn’t mean he’s entitled to it or that all women in the world like it.
On the other hand, I have absolutely no issue with ejaculation in the face, I don’t see it as humiliating (unless he’s forcing it on me, which is a separate thing), and I think it’s much more about me accepting him and wanting him this strongly. But that’s just me, another girl may be into anal sex but not into sperm on her nose – we’re all different, and men would face less conflict in bed if they realised that, and stopped making assumptions about what we will or will not like.
Women should not give men the porn experience unless that is what they truly desire, and in which case they are giving women the porn experience. In general porn perpetuates women as sex objects and violence and shame is forced upon them for the pleasure of others. The saturation of porn in society and pop culture today has created an arena for further discrimination toward women.
Women are constantly bombarded with Porn inspired images in the media, like most taboo things the media slowly conditions us to further extremes. I do not believe in censorship and have no problem with hearing cussing on public television. But my objection to the perpetuation of pornographic imagery in society today is setting the bar for women to be porn stars and submit to crude violent acts. This of course physically is harmful to the individual and I can only assume has only unhealthy emotional and mental effects as well. I am deeply saddened for the women who have been apart of this world and have been affected.
I think guys need to realize that although porn is real is not realistic. Men act as the dominant figure and women are paid to do as they say. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and doing the same thing all the time does get boring. He wants to spice things up and says why can’t you act like the people in pornos. I get offended when he says that because if I were him I would be happy that I wasn’t like the girls in pornos. I totally understand that women sometimes do things that they don’t necessarily want to in order to make sure their partners are still into them. It makes sense. You have to spice up and change a relationship because the longer you are with a person the more used to them you get.