Should Women Give Men The Porn Star Experience?

A lot of guys have come to expect P.S.E. [the "Porn-Star Experience"] … and plenty of women are more than happy to provide. A few might enjoy it, but for most it’s harrowing. I think there’s a fear that if they can’t make it happen, their boyfriend will retreat online.

That’s from Sadie, a real estate agent, talking about what women do for men who find “normal” sex dull after extreme online porn.

Davy Rothbart blames porn for his own difficulties enjoying real sex with real women:

For a lot of guys, switching gears from porn’s fireworks and whiz-bangs to the comparatively mundane calm of ordinary sex is like leaving halfway through an Imax 3-D movie to check out a flipbook… (So women) willingly play along by a new set of rules in order to keep their men interested.

Should women give men the porn star experience?

If they’re both loving it, why not?

But should women undergo pain to supply their men over-the-top pleasure?

Robert Jensen, a University of Texas professor and feminist who speaks on pornography, says women frequently ask him whether they should fulfill their guys’ disturbing requests. Or they ask why men want them to perform acts that they find upsetting, whether

ejaculating on her face, anal sex, a threesome with another man or woman, rough sex or role-playing that feels inauthentic to her.

“I love him,” they say, “and I want to be a good partner. Should I do it?”

Here’s the perspective of this thoughtful feminist man.

Some women are game, he recognizes, but those who are not are under no obligation, no matter the level of commitment, to participate in any sexual activity that causes pain, discomfort or distress.

It’s great to honestly discuss desires and be open, he adds, but partners should also be clear about what crosses the line.

Asked, “Why does he want to do that to me?” Jensen points out that, “In patriarchy, men are socialized to understand sex in the context of men’s domination and women’s submission.” Pornography, he says, isn’t “images of ‘just sex,’ but sex in the context of male dominance” that includes “little recognition by men of the potential for pain, discomfort or distress in their women partners.”

Ejaculating on a woman’s face is largely about humiliation. Rough sex often enacts male dominance, and threesomes can be seen as male ownership of sex-object women who fawn over him.

Next, women wonder why their men can’t understand that they don’t want to do certain things.

Jensen says strong sexual desire plays a role. But so does an absence of empathy – the ability to imagine what another person is feeling. These men think the acts sound exciting and they can’t envision their partners not feeling the same way.

A lack of empathy may be a warning sign when people are unwilling to grow, for healthy relationships require it.

Jensen recommends a vision of equality and moving away from objectifying women to overcome these problems.

Bottom line for women: Stay true to your values and to who you are.

Men and women might also want to have a conversation about what they want in their relationship and how these sort of experiences fit into that – or don’t.

And, I’m guessing that most men are into sex enough to be able to enjoy things that their partners also enjoy, even if that doesn’t include threesomes, facials, etc.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on August 3, 2011, in feminism, gender, pornography, psychology, sex, sexism, women and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 46 Comments.

  1. I agree. Women in pornography videos make it seem that all of the sex acts that they do are sexy and pleasurable, when in reality most “real” women would never engage in a threesome or allow a man to ejaculate in her face. The women in these videos, in my opinion, are degrading themselves only to please men. If your partner truly loves you, he/she will not put you through the decision of having sex the way they do in pornographic videos or “regular” sex. Instead the two should talk and discuss what each like and what they don’t and maybe try to do new things, but taking in consideration what each other like.

  2. I agree with Jazmin. I think a man and a woman should discuss what each likes and what each person is comfortable doing. I do think a woman should agree to doing something her boyfriend seen a in a porn just to make him happy. A man who truly loves and cares for you will not leave you or make you do something you are not comfortable doing. I do, however, think that when a man watches too much porn, he starts to see his partner in a different light. That his partner should be just like the women in these videos but most women are nothing like that and will not agree to doing certain “degrading” things such as letting her partner ejaculate in her face. Because as stated in the article, its about humiliation and why would a woman want to feel humiliated during sex?

    • To clarify ” I do not think a woman should agree to doing something her boyfriend/partner seen in a porn just to make him happy.”

  3. First off i would like to clarify that a woman should not perform any sexual acts that she doesnt want to do. If the guy is not pleased with his partner then maybe he should find a new one, or stop watching porn better yet. I think that porn is degrading to women and sets a bad example of how the sacred act of sex is to be played out. although i must say i am a fan of many positions and trying new things, if it entails degrading women then i’ll pass. even though i am a firm believer that women should do all they can to please they’re partner, i also think men should equally try to please women. Bottom line is that sex should be something that comes naturally, not something thats scripted and directed with a storyline.

  4. Women who make porn are paid to do it, if you aint getting paid there’s no reason you should ever let a man do that to you. Porn is destroying sex for couples making it into this elaborate scheme and it’s terribly annoying. I haven’t been faced with strange partners as of yet but a close friend of mine told me about how her boyfriend wanted to cum on her face and she let him but she didn’t act all enthusiastic about it, he asked why which made me laugh. Why the hell would someone ever want to have something so nasty on their face? Do men know how much money women spend on face wash, makeup, facials, and all that other crap? It’s like asking us, “Hey babe wanna go smear some dog poop on your face, I think it’d be really hot.” WTF!?
    Anyway thing is, women shouldn’t objectify themselves to make their man happy. If they like that kinda stuff they can watch it online. Women don’t need to bring that into their bedroom if they don’t want it there. If they become disinterested because of that, that isn’t their fault, and they should go find a new man who appreciates a real woman who doesn’t make sex into something negative. Sex is beautiful and porn needs to stop ruining it for the rest of us.

  5. It is without a doubt that women in porn raise the bar for sex standards. This may make some girls feel as though they have to meet that standard to please their significant other. However, on the broader image, I don’t think that porn ruins sex. I strongly believe that females have the willpower to know that no matter what, men will always desire them. Because of this, it raises their confidence. By giving the porn star experience, it empowers women more. It will make men want something that they can’t always have. Because of that, the upper hand always belongs to the female. I know that with my ex-girlfriend, whenever we had erotic sex, it made me wanting more. However, I never always got it, and it always left me wanting more. It was always a special “gift” that my girlfriend gave to me, an advantage that she always knew she had.

    • True. But some women are totally grossed out or even hurt emotionally by the things some men want to do. And while some men still want sex as you believe, others say the real thing can’t compete with porn.

  6. It seems the main point of pornography is for male ejaculation.If this drives sex in a relationship then it makes sense that a man would share the tools he has learned through pornography to reach this end.Having said this i would say the majority of pornography ends with the man masturbating himself.with the new wave of ‘gonzo.’ pornography oftenly the aim is purely to abuse the female and not even to ejaculate.If a women want’s to give a man an orgasm, sadly pornographical acts or thought will quite likey come into play. I both men and women’s true nature is to use sex as a spiritual act of intimacy.Pornography tries to do this pychologically. by objectifing and abusing women, it shows their submission and this submission is seen as an act of yielding and intimacy. This type of thinking can not sustain the level of intimacy that a real relationship has the capacity to provide. To conclude women should not give men the ‘P.S.E’ but in the same token should move from view sex as a bartering currency to it being a spiritual process. This comes from a womens ability to come from a place of true power and compassion.
    As a women matures I believe their understanding of spirituality increases.Childbirth is an ironic but good example. This understanding should be at the forefront of sex in a relationship. but comes from both the man and the women understanding the balance of male and female energy in all living things and in the universe.and how this can be brought to the present moment through sex.

  7. I always find it rather ridiculous when some feminist tries to lecture that such and such a sex act is about humiliation, or dominance or degradation or whatever. The reality is, women have no clue whatsoever what men feel about such acts. If *YOU* would feel like that in that situation, fine, but it has nothing to do with what the man would feel about it. These desires are so primal, trying to label them in the categories of a feminist agenda just seems ridiculous to men.

    Question: If a man feels degraded or humiliated by doing the dishes, maybe should he suck it up and do it anyway?

    • 1)Just because a man doesn’t find something humiliating doesn’t mean a woman shouldn’t. Men’s definitions aren’t all. (The feminist agenda is to make clear that the way men see things isn’t the way everyone should see. Women’s feelings are equally relevant. And if women find it humiliating, they shouldn’t do it.

      2)A lot of the appeal of those acts for men is that they are humiliating. We’ve learned to sexualize women’s humiliation.

      3)Doing dishes is completely different. The only reason it would be seen as humiliating is because women are assigned the task, and therefore men are thought to lower themselves by doing degrading “women’s work.” Work associated with women should not be seen as degrading.

      • 2) How do you know that the appeal for men of those acts is that they are humiliating? Since humiliation is defined as a loss of self-respect and dignity, that doesn’t explain why women are usually portrayed as enjoying it. If the aim was to humiliate, they would always be portrayed as not enjoying it.

        3) Now you are lecturing men about the circumstances when they may or may not be allowed to be humiliated! But if a man wants to gently suggest to a woman that a certain thing should not be regarded as humiliating, then the double standard comes out.

        1) by this logic, if I find doing the dishes humiliating, I shouldn’t do it! End of story, end of discussion apparently.

      • 2&3)not only is it common knowledge, but I’ve read of some men saying so. Additionally, some men and some women say they sexually enjoy being humiliated. If people are into it, fine. If they aren’t they shouldn’t feel pressured.

        1) see my last comment again.

  8. Porn fun fact: I applied for a modelling job on Gumtree.com, (a UK version of Ebay, basically.) It turned out to be for a porn site, and they were paying only £25-35 for topless modelling and £80-£120 for doing a porn film!!!! Which thousands of people will see (basically prostituting yourself and it being seen by many people.) Now, I am not against porn. Hey, I met my buyer through offering BDSM porn art for sale on Gumtree. But seriously that is EXPLOITATION, they should pay at least two or three thousand if not six or seven.

    • Isn’t the nature of pornography to exploit?

      I’ve been thinking about social structure and how historically the upper classes would abuse women of lower class as a statement of power. With the freedom of speech via the internet, and the rise of ‘gonzo’ porn which from what i understand is following the ‘hustler’ model of ‘working class’ porn it seems that this nature is coming to the forefront of this ‘art.’ i was listening to a conversation these two young men were having today, they were joking about ‘gangbanging.’ and then proceeded to eye up some women across the street. they appeared to lack confidence in their appearance. and the irony is that with self esteem and respect they probably could of won the hearts of a woman. but pornography has really infiltrated this generation.the internet generation, what is lacking is social skills and the ability to build real life relationships… i do have faith that eventually people will realise the value in this and start to focus on this precious skill.

  9. Pornography is both for the pleasure of men and woman. Although it is mainly directed for the male audience there are plenty of women that enjoy it as well. What is done in porn is to pleasure you to the extreme and in my eyes not to humiliate or degrade anyone. It is simply up to you on watching it (if you don’t like it don’t watch it). If your boyfriend or sex partner is making you do things you don’t feel comfortable doing well that is a whole different aspect. You should never do something sexual with someone if they are forcing you to do it or just to simply pleasure them while you’re feeling uncomfortable. When in a relationship with a man there should be open communication in all aspects especially when it comes to sex. It never hurts to experiment and try new things out in bed. If you try it and don’t like it, its as simple as not doing it again and communicating with your partner on how it makes you feel uncomfortable. Communication is the key and humiliation or degrading is definitely not that route or words I would use to explain pornography.

  10. Sexuality is a very broad topic, encompassing many different theories as to why some sexual acts happen, which always brings up should they happen. The fact is if both partners are open about their desires, and in agreeance about them, then everything is okay. Some women enjoy certain things and some don’t and the same goes for men. This is no different than any other preference one has for food, clothing or music. The bottom line is do not don anything that you don’t want to in bed ever. Pornography has many many categories, this article adresses it as if there is one kind, there is porn for everyone! Even where the men are submissive and the women dominate, thats the fun part about porn, an adult will know how to draw the line between reality and stimulation.

    • Not meaning to say that there is only one category of porn. But this is the category that can give women the willies.

      And I appreciate your saying “don’t do anything you don’t want”. I don’t understand men who want women to do things that are miserable for them. I couldn’t enjoy sex if I felt like my partner wasn’t enjoying it.

    • “The bottom line is do not don anything that you don’t want to in bed ever.”

      How is it physically possible to voluntarily do something you don’t want to? How do you define “want to”?

      • Seriously? People do things they don’t want to do all the time to please others. They don’t want to do the act. They do want to please the other person.

  11. i feel sorry for anybody who has had to do anything sexually that made them feel degraded and if you felt that way, that something to be discussed with whomever you are having sex.
    that being said, i’ve had in-depth discussions with several female friends about things of this nature and i have to say that everyone who whole-heartedly believes that every girl who has had to touch semen are being degraded or humiliated needs to make some new friends. every human body is different and has unique sensory networks. pleasure to one may be pain to another and vice versa. sure i’ve discussed with girls who said that they only did certain acts out of a sense of obligation, but that they didn’t particularly care for them. sometimes they didn’t specifically like them, sometimes they didn’t care either way. one told me once that she “liked the pizza enuff that didn’t mind that it had olives on it”.
    others i’ve conversed with (and perhaps these girls were far more open to me because they knew i was never gonna proposition them for in-person proof) told vastly different stories. for every “no girl actually likes doing that, they just do it because it makes their man happy” situation, i’ve met countless girls who actually (gasp) loves these things. one friend told me her perfect evening that consisted of watching comedy movies whilst spooning with her boyfriend on the couch engaging in a very specific penetration. she loved the movies and cuddling, but it was the whole package that made it the perfect night. another friend told me that she only ever had vaginal intercourse when her bf wanted to.she enjoyed it but she never reached orgasm from it. she told him if he wanted to get her off he had to as she put it, “handle that back door”. this,she said, was always how she was wired.every since her first bf at age 17 and not due to any childhood trauma. another friend refers to herself as the BJ queen . what she enjoys is the power of controlling the orgasm and is indifferent about the resulting semen. friend # 4 says she salivates around her bf until she can get his erection in her mouth. NONE of these girls are porn stars or porn star wannabees. none of them have ever done anything on camera or would even dream of doing so. they are simply who they are and don’t think they are any different from any other girl in the world. and you know what, i don’t think they are either.

  12. Blessed Son of man

    I find this sad really., I kinda think that women should give men the laziest sex they can from the get go so that the man knows what to expect and is happy about whatever bone they throw him. I think the gender wars have turned the most fun act a human can do besides running into a warzone. I’m so glad I have alternatives to women sometime.

    I feel that men should just carry around a laundry list of the bare minimum of what they desire in bed. That way they MIGHT find someone that is willing to give that to them without jumping through many hoops.

  13. I don’t think that woman should give their men the “porn star treatment”. I don’t even agree with how that sounds. I feel like a woman wouldn’t even really enjoy herself because she is so concerned with how she looks, or what she is doing to turn the man on and forgetting about her own personal needs for sex. I agree with Jensen on that if a woman wants to do these things, she should. I feel that she probably is turned on by acting that way but for women who do not like the thought, or it seems to painful should not submit to these things. I don’t think rejecting a man of these things will make or break a relationship.

  14. I completely agree that you should stick to what feels right to you. It annoys me when a man takes offence if I won’t have anal sex with him. Just because he saw it on porn, doesn’t mean he’s entitled to it or that all women in the world like it.

    On the other hand, I have absolutely no issue with ejaculation in the face, I don’t see it as humiliating (unless he’s forcing it on me, which is a separate thing), and I think it’s much more about me accepting him and wanting him this strongly. But that’s just me, another girl may be into anal sex but not into sperm on her nose – we’re all different, and men would face less conflict in bed if they realised that, and stopped making assumptions about what we will or will not like.

  15. Women should not give men the porn experience unless that is what they truly desire, and in which case they are giving women the porn experience. In general porn perpetuates women as sex objects and violence and shame is forced upon them for the pleasure of others. The saturation of porn in society and pop culture today has created an arena for further discrimination toward women.
    Women are constantly bombarded with Porn inspired images in the media, like most taboo things the media slowly conditions us to further extremes. I do not believe in censorship and have no problem with hearing cussing on public television. But my objection to the perpetuation of pornographic imagery in society today is setting the bar for women to be porn stars and submit to crude violent acts. This of course physically is harmful to the individual and I can only assume has only unhealthy emotional and mental effects as well. I am deeply saddened for the women who have been apart of this world and have been affected.

  16. I think the main things is communication. I think a couple in a relationship before too much time passes, need to discuss these things with sex. As I think sexual compatibility is important. A man being anble to cum on a woman’s face but be important to him, but he shoudn’t do that with a woman that doesn’t want it or isn’t into it. But if it’s that important for him these things discussed and maybe he can find his match. Sex will be boring if one partner really wants something and the other doesn’t. A woman thats always wants to be dominated in bed, with a man who doesn’t like to all the time, would not be the best match. That woman paired with a man who loves to dominate all the time, it would work out great. I don’t know if these guys cumming on women’s faces, might necessarily mean they want to do it because they want to humiliate or own the woman. Some might, but other guys might like it, because they love the desire and arousal she’s showing, wanting his body so bad that she likes his cum on her face. So a woman yearning for his body greatly. But I do have to say, a lot of porn as far as porn stars go, does suck. And it’s because of these shots and the way its filmed, with the close ups and same old, plus I don’t like seeing a man’s dick let alone close up, even if he is cumming or being blown.

    You don’t have to deal with this “degrading” act nowadays as I think the porn star time is fading as a lot of porn is free and streaming. A lot of guys I think are watching more amateur porn as in regular people sex, thought hot women picked out. Sites like youporn, xhamster, pornhub I think are pretty popular and it’s regular sex from non porn stars even though there are porn star sex clips on ther too. So there’s less cumming on women’s faces, because of these regular people, non-porn stars or more mixture nowadays. But I also couldn’t get into regular porn, because it was so redundant, same kind of sex, cum on her face, pound woman, blah. Never cared for that, Work is still needed with porn even porn now, but it’s better than past stuff in my opinion.

  17. I think that this topic points out another cultural issue that we have, the need for men to display dominance. Women, historically, have bent over backwards, no pun intended, for the men they love. We already bare their children, some without the use of modern medicine. We continue to cook and clean and provide for most of their needs. The reality is, most porn stars are not doing things that are realistic. While some may enjoy it, most of them have issues, mainly daddy issues or issues of abuse in their past that enables them to enjoy being subjected to aggressive sexual encounters.

    I am not intending to say that anyone that enjoys the porn star experience has a troubled past, but what I am saying is that porn stars are porn stars for a reason. What if women started to expect the PSE from men? I mean men are a big part of porn, and what if the demands was for something that would make a women to feel dominant that might be demeaning to the man.. would a woman be wrong to expect that? My theory is when a man requires a lot he better be willing to give a lot as well. When someone ask for the PSE, I would politely tell them, lead by example…go first.. show me. 9 times out of 10 they couldn’t handle the PSE.. This is just another thing to add to the list of why men cheat.

  18. At least until you are a senior, people should remain open minded, and be willing to try different things, especially if their lover is requesting it. Some people like a little pain, so let him/her try spanking or slapping – to a degree. The BRAIN is the most important sex organ, and lovers TRY to give each other what they want (within reason) –,remember that!!! I have always tried to please people and fix things (explaining why I’m an engineer). That carried over to sex. I was always VERY lucky when it came to women, and by that I mean the women I dated (w/2 exceptions) were wonderful in many ways, many were good lovers, and most focused on what made me happy,sexually, because I focused on what made them happy sexually. I ALWAYS had girls-women tell me I was a wonderful lover, and 99% of that is my attitude, which is, try to figure out what they like and what pleases them, and expect they will do the same. In my early 20′s, I worked part time in college for a woman who worked with dozens of female friends in their 30′s,,40′s and 50′s, and after working on an event all day, she’d come sit in my lap, and ask me who I wanted to go home with, and make recommendations. She damn near pimped me out! She’d tell me some woman had a rough time with a divorce, ex-bf, etc., and that she needed some attention and release. I usually taught them a few things, but most also taught me a thing or two, and they ALL told me I was a great lay because I focused on their needs,& I knew how to use the equipment God gave me. So… in sex, as in life, treat people the way you want to be treated, i.e. – focus on what they like, ask what they want, and try different things (the discovery is FUN, and sex should be FUN!). So… GO FORTH AND FORNICATE! — Kevin

    • Makes a lot of sense.

      Of course, what people want goes both ways. For instance, some people might want a threesome. And some people might want to be exclusive. I don’t understand saying that one person should undergo pain (emotional or physical) so that another person has no limit to their pleasure. I’m not saying that you were suggesting that, but the comment could be read that way.

      If both people could feel pleasure versus one person undergoing pain so that another can feel even higher levels of pleasure, then I think the couple should choose to do what is mutually pleasurable instead of expecting one partner to undergo pain so the other can experience increased pleasure.

  19. Well, I believe sex is about the intimacy between two people who are in love. So the level of enjoyment should be the priority concern. I do not think that female should act like a porn star during sex to offer their men a porn star experience. As after all, porn is not real, it is just acting. Men should understand this point, if your lady is not acting like a porn star, it does not mean that they are not enjoying; instead, they are just being themselves. And of course, if the woman also enjoys that porn star experience such as role-playing or whatever, it is totally okay as long as they just compromise it beforehand. Moreover, I think women should definitely not do anything that would possibly harm themselves in order to please the guy during sex.

  20. I hear a lot of what should and shouldn’t be done in bed but an underlying factor may be why people want the things they want. I pose this question because often what people think they want (the porn treatment) may be just what they are conditioned to respond to. I often wonder how differently people (and myself) would feel and desire if we didn’t have the media, religion etc. dictating what is appealing and desirable. I know being aware of the effects of porn/media is a first step in shedding the internalization that occurs with longtime exposure. My hope is that the media will begin to portrait women more realistically and this means embracing diversity so that more people can feel free to choose whatever feels more authentic to them. In my experience this usually means to have more empathy for others, in which case it means: do no harm! I have a hard time understanding the enjoyment of pain, but I highly suggest exploring where it comes from, as it hardly seems like a healthy alternative.

  21. Guys want their girlfriends to give them the “Porn star experience”

    Ironically their is huge demand from guys asking and paying escorts to give them the “Girlfriend experience”

  22. women should not have to do anything they do not want to do during sex and neither should men. Sex is something that involves two people therefore the sexual actions that take place should be mutually agreed upon. Some men have different sexual preferences than what is considered normal and enjoy watching whatching those sexual acts played out in porn which makes them want to try out those things in real life. There is nothing wrong with that but if he does not have the approval of his partner then he shouldnt expect the his partner to want to satisfy his every request. Sex is not only for men and if the man is not sexually satisfied with his partner than he should either deal with it or find a new sexual partner who enjoys what he likes

  23. I think it depends on the type of relationship one has with one’s sexual partner that determines what goes on in the bedroom. A lot of women like to watch porn with or without their partners in order to understand how men think sexually and can give great insight into how to treat one’s partner in the bedroom, if only on occasion. As long as it does not go against the universal standard of hurting someone, I see no reason as to not try and please my significant other in the bedroom through the use of porn. If what your partner asks of you is degrading, simply opt out! No one is forcing you to watch porn and learn what men like. Be yourself sexually and be happy with how you experience that. If you think porn is degrading in general to female virtue, I ask what is female virtue if men don’t have the same bind sexually? If we continue to put “the pussy on a pedestal” (movie line), then we fail to examine how the opposite sex is virtuous. Are men better off not experiencing themselves sexually with the use of porn? Or is porn viewed as an aid to better understand the male sexual psyche? Are they virtuous for not watching porn and giving into its selling capability with their girlfriends, wives or sexual partners? Or are they virtuous for being honest about their sexual desires behind closed doors? I feel men and women can be virtuous in different ways without bringing sex into the picture. We can demonstrate our sexuality through the clothes we wear, how we shave our beards or cut our hair, and how we even walk down the street. Sexuality itself can be virtuous if we take the aspect of sex and porn out of the conversation altogether, so I see no reason as to why porn is viewed so negatively by so many women. If a girl thinks that getting a men is showing cleavage and then refuses to do things sexually like in pornographic videos, she has every right. But can you blame the man that picked up the signal that the girl was somewhat “asking for it” by showing off her assets? Quite honestly, I say no. You CAN wear clothing that is both unrevealing and sexy at the same time and not once put dirty sex on a man’s mind. You can be sophisticatedly wanted and desired by showing off your sexuality and not showing off your templed body. Women need to reexamine the porn battle and see through both their eyes and men’s eyes, not just the severely feminized vision of porn is wrong. Silver lining comes into mind and I think it is healthy to have open dialogue about the uses and effects of porn on the male psyche.

    • Some interesting, complex thoughts. Thank you.

      • I wanted to get some advice on this topic. My husband and I have been together 11 years since we were 16. I love him and I know he loves me however over the last few years he’s wanted me to do things that he’s seen or heard about. I have regrettably made the error in judgement and done things to make him happy. Our most recent hurdle has been threesomes. I allowed it to happen a few times with people that we don’t really know and that I was in no way attracted to or thought he was however he won’t stop asking for it. I get asked at least once every couple days and it’s frustrating me. I had made it known that I’m frustrated and I want him to stop asking but he just gets defensive and then we end up in an argument. I don’t want to lose my marriage after all this time together but I feel like it’s heading in that direction. Any advice?

      • I’m so sorry you are having to struggle with this.

        I guess you both are going to need to think about:

        What are your core values? Do your core values match each other?

        What are your priorities? Do they match each other?

        What priority do you both give to sex versus relationship? Again, how do you matchup?

        Is one of you fundamentally polygamous and the other one fundamentally monogamous? And can you live with that if there’s a mismatch?

        Is the increase in your pain worth the increase in his pleasure? (I think it’s odd that people often expect their partners to undergo an increase in pain so that they may have heightened pleasure.)

        Bell Hooks has an essay on true love that I always discuss with my classes. It asks to consider the difference between these two things, Relationships marked by:
 Love + wound
 vs Love + pleasure


        What is best for your well-being, overall?

        You be happier with him or without him?

        I wish you the best figuring out what to do with this.

  24. My boyfriend introduced me to porn, and honestly, I think it’s overrated. My boyfriend wants me somehow magically “be the girl” in the video. He doesn’t say it, but I think I disappoint him sometimes. I hate that he compares some random girl in a porn flick to me. When guys watch porn, it creates big expectations for girls who aren’t porn stars to fulfill. Don’t they know that porn is exaggerated? Girls are humiliated? Devalued? It hurts knowing that men, like my boyfriend create a world of make-believe-fantasy and then try to live it out in reality. It hurts that I can’t fulfill my boyfriend’s wildest dreams because I’m not good enough as those other girls. But then again, I’m not going to try to be as good as them. I am happy with the way I am. So yes. women should give men the Porn Star Experience if they want to. But keep in mind that not all fantasies become realities.

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