Sex and the Walk of Shame
“After I’ve just gotten laid, the first thing I think about is that I can’t wait to tell my crew who I just did. Omigod, they’re not going to believe I just did Kristy. They’ll all be high-fiving me.”
Guys routinely celebrate having sex. The messages they give each other pretty much translate to, “Sex is great! And more is better!”
But what do women hear?
After anticipating “high-fives” for his sexual success, the young man above adds: “And Kristy? She’ll probably ask me not to tell anyone, to protect her reputation.”
Men and women receive very different messages about sex.
In fact, the term “hookup” is deliberately ambiguous. It can mean anything from kissing to intercourse. So if a guy says he hooked up, he’s hoping other guys think he went “all the way.” But if a girl hooks up, she hopes her friends hear, “I kissed him.”
At one northeastern college, men returning to the fraternities after a night at the dorms are said to be strolling the Walk of Fame. But women returning to the dorms from a frat are taking the Walk of Shame.
A few years back a fraternity at Dartmouth published the names of all of the women the brothers had had sex with, making disparaging comments about them.
Is sex something to avoid? Something dirty? Or something to pursue with a vengeance? It all depends on whether you’re male of female.
When it comes to sex, men are celebrated but women risk punishment.
Many think sexual repression is not a problem in our society – that these notions never reach the subconscious. Yet women can come to turn off sexual feeling, whether they realize it or not. Not feeling can be safer.
Sex therapist, Lonnie Barbach, says that highly repressive societies create women who have difficulty climaxing, while women in non-repressive societies have regular and satisfactory orgasms.
In 1972, when women were more penalized than they are today, a Playboy Foundation survey found that more than half of single women under age 25 found their first sexual experience neutral or unpleasant. Only 20% found sex highly pleasurable.
Things may not be as bad today. Indiana University’s recently released sex survey found that 58% of women in their 20s had had an orgasm the last time they had sex. But when that compares with 96% of their male counterparts, we see the tell-tale signs of continuing repression.
But really, should we be surprised?
Men who slut-shame don’t seem too worried that women won’t enjoy sex with them. After watching sex-craved porn stars, and thinking that accurately reflects women’s sexuality, perhaps they assume women can’t help but come back for more. No matter what.
Some will interpret my observation that men are more sex-positive and more promiscuous as prescribing male behavior to everyone. As one reader put it, “But I don’t want to run around like a tart!”
Actually, I want to have a conversation about the positives and negatives of so-called men’s and women’s ways of doing sex. It is certainly not better to treat people like currency – the more you bang the higher your status. But what can women learn from men, and what can men learn from women?
Related posts on BroadBlogs
“Cock” vs “Down There”
Sex: Who Gets Screwed?
Are Women Naturally Monogamous?
Posted on July 6, 2011, in feminism, gender, men, psychology, relationships, sex, sexism, women and tagged culture, feminism, gendr, hooking up, hookup, Lonnie Barbach, men, sex, sexism, sexual repression, sexuality, slut shaming, walk of shame, women. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.
This blog post is relevant to some experiences I have seen in college. Many of my girlfriends are called “whores, sluts, hoes…” because they are sexually active. It is not right that guys are celebrating their sexual encounters while girls are ashamed and embarrassed. This leads to their “walk of shame.” I found it interesting, yet disturbing when it mentions that this sexual repression for females affects their subconscious negatively. It is incredible how uneducated men are in regards to the sexual experiences of their female partner. They cannot assume that what they see in porn is exactly what women want, just as this blog mentions.
Megan, I’ve been through my own flatmates making a joke out of the fact I spent the night at guys’ houses. I was perfectly happy with what I was doing, having a great time, exploring who I was. I wasn’t there to be judged by them because I was enjoying myself, and I found the supposed “Walk of Shame” funny, (mostly) women glaring at you because it’s supposedly uncouth for a woman to have spent a night outwith her own bed, alone and unsatisfied.
If anybody wants to judge me, they can feel free. I felt like what I was called by my flatmates was them expressing their jealousy (not one of the single girls in my flat so much as kissed a guy in the 9 months I lived with them).
I can’t say I have ever high-fived one of my friends after recounting a sexual encounter (in fact I cant say I have experienced men sharing any information of sexual encounters) but I can recognise a sometimes underlying sense of shame (thankfully not very often) after two parties have had sexual encounters. I often think this can be related to feelings of inadequacy / confusion / shyness on the male side which results in some really poor communication and I think that men need to really step up to the plate on this and be more brave when they are with someone regardless of how long that is for.
It is always deeply unpleasant when anyone is labelled negatively with regards to their enjoyment of sex, or enjoyment of not having sex. As for being uneducated about the sexual experiences of female partners I think this is often a communication issue that can get better with time and which also goes both ways.