Sex Objects Who Don’t Enjoy Sex
Sexualizing women can have its perks in the bedroom, with breast fetishes and butt fetishes heightening men’s arousal.
But surprisingly, sexualizing women can have the opposite effect, harming both men’s and women’s enjoyment. And in many ways. Here’s one: self-objectification.
Drowning in “sexy women” images, men and women can both come to see women as the sexy half of the species. So what happens in bed? Because men aren’t seen as especially sexy (at least by comparison) men are focused on women and women can be focused on themselves.
Caroline Heldman, assistant professor at Occidental College, found that some women become preoccupied with how they look instead of the sexual experience. “One young woman I interviewed described sex as being an ‘out of body’ experience,” she said. “She viewed herself through the eyes of her lover, and, sometimes, through the imaginary lens of a camera shooting a porn film.”
Sounds a bit like Paris Hilton: “My boyfriends say I’m sexy but not sexual,” she mused. “Being ‘hot’ is a pose, an act, a tool, and entirely divorced from either physical pleasure or romantic love.”
Heldman feels that girls and women are learning to eroticize male sexual pleasure as though it were their own. She feels they need to explore their sexuality in more empowering and satisfying ways than this vicarious act.
Cultural theorist Jackson Katz has similar concerns. “Many young women are now engaged in sex acts with men that prioritize the man’s pleasure,” he reflected, “with little or no expectation of reciprocity.”
When having sex, these young women may be enjoying themselves, and how nice they look. They may gain a boost to self-esteem as they dwell on their “hotness.” But they’re not enjoying sex.
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Posted on March 2, 2011, in body image, feminism, gender, objectification, psychology, relationships, sex, sexism, women and tagged body image, culture, feminism, gender, men's health, objectification, psychology, relationships, self-objectification, sex, sexism, sexual objectification, sexuality, social psychology, women. Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.
Contemporary America’s sexualized culture not only objectifies women, it encourages women to objectify themselves. Societal objectification means turning a woman into a thing. Sexual objectification, or sexualization, means turning a woman into a sexual thing. It occurs when a person’s value comes only from her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics. As one who strongly believes that women should be able to confidently assert their sexuality and enjoy sex as much as the next guy – without having to suffer social condemnation for it – this can be a challenging and even confusing issue. Women’s intelligence and abilities are perceived as less important, or even irrelevant, compared to their sexuality. Most women sincerely do enjoy making themselves attractive to men. The biological tendency to sexualize women becomes neurotic when society goes overboard with it, especially by sexualizing very young girls. If women have a biological tendency to display themselves sexually in order to entice men to choose them, then it’s perfectly normal for women to objectify themselves more than men do. Women may feel inadequate or dissatisfied when they don’t meet society’s unrealistic criteria of beauty, and this can lead to consequences like eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression. If society starts treating women’s brains and abilities with more respect, minor girls would not be subjected to the media’s oversexualization of women and girls, and women in general would not be held to impossible standards of beauty, or to the sexual double standard. Instead of just blindly trying to stamp out the sexualization of women, we need to ensure that women’s own sexual agency is respected, even when they choose to “sexually objectify “themselves. Because maybe that’s just part of the wonderful, messy complexity of normal human behavior.
Women now a days are nothing but a sex object, and men will do anything to try and get in a womens pants. Yes, it is true women are beautiful and have the curves of a goddess which arouses the man to be physically attrated to a women, not only emotionally and mentally, but physically as well. Sex, in my opinion is a healthy thing for the man and woman especially because it is supposed to bring them closer together. However, sometimes women can feel that all the man wants is sex and that is it. He doesn’t want to love you in any other ways but that, and that is where we can see the true colors of a lot of men nowadays, and that is why it is so hard for women to find a good guy who will love you not only for sex, but for who you are. Young girls are very easily influenced and a guy will call a girl beautiful just to get in her pants. He can be the biggest sweet talker and try and persuade her that if he has sex with her, it will be the best thing ever. Girls like these go through these dilemmas and do not realize it is actually only for the pleasure of the man and nothing else. He is not being genuine to her, and that is what will eat her up later, once she gets older and realizes this. From time to time, we rarely see a healthy couple where the man doesnt see his woman as a sex object, but as his lucky charm and he doesnt want to do nothing but love her to the fullest with all of his heart. Women’s sexuality and body must be respected everyday. A man must not lessen her by trying to break her down and using his charisma to persuade her. Sex should be simple and pure, and for the pleasure of both who truly love each other and are both respectable to each others feelings.
It is so sad to think that sex which is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties has also lead to yet another privilege for our male counterparts. I believe that much of it has to do with what kind of culture you are brought up in and how people around you perceive sex. Some countries have stronger patriarchy and it might be harder for girls to actually understand that they are supposed to enjoy sex and not just be an object, even if it does make them feel good to “be there for a man and look nice.” Women are the sex objects and as much as I would like to stop the objectification of women, it’s not going to happen easily neither in the bedroom nor outside of the bedroom. I hope at least that young girls can reclaim the notion that women should enjoy sex as much as men do.
I think that the amount of pressure that there is today on women to fulfill this “sex-object” role is very sad. Instead of embracing who they are, and enjoying the pleasure of being with their partner, they are stressed about whether they are sufficiently beautiful or sexy. It certainly doesn’t help that everywhere we look these days, we see images of overtly sexual women being paraded as if they were objects. Women see these images and feel so much pressure to conform, and have become so preoccupied with this, lowering their self esteems, and as a result, as Mai Amas said above, women today are easily influenced by men who give them praise on the way they look, and make them feel “beautiful”. They become so engrossed in trying to keep their man happy-so he’ll want to stay- that they themselves end up not enjoying the moments that should be enjoyed.
When I watch tv shows if the man does something wrong the woman holds having sexual relations as a punishment. Women may do that in real life as well and not just on television. Because women are seen as sex objects women are more focused on themselves as well. When having intercourse they are too focused on what they look like, if they are pleasuring the man, and other things. Men are in the moment. When having intercourse they are focused on sex only. This is one of the reasons why I believe women are seen as the sex objects. Also, another thing that was said in class is that both men and women find women attractive. Women are threatened because they don’t look like the women in magazines. The truth is no one looks like that because they are all air-brushed. Men are attracted to the cleavage, butt, legs, curves, and whatever else they find attractive in women.
when you really look at it you do realize that its the media mostly causing these problems in girls and young ones especially. its so very sad that young girls of at the youngest 14 15 years old feel the pressure to look like porn stars. really. fricken look at miley cyrus.
Yes. Thanks so much for your observation.
It is really sad that the media and the patriarchal society that we live in has made it so that women view their sexuality as only what men perceive it to be. If a woman were to picture a sexual person, she is more likely to envision a woman, even if she is straight. This idea of women being sex objects has been drilled into our heads at a very young age, women aren’t able to enjoy sex because they are too preoccupied with how they look how their partner sees them. I think that this obsession with women’s sexuality is also unfair for men, to never be looked at as sexual beings can be detrimental to a couple’s sex life. The statement about the woman who has to view sex “through the eyes of her lover”, seems wrong, and that she cannot be turned on by her partner alone, that there has to be a woman involved for it to be considered “sexual”.
Very well put Hannah! I think that’s why I see so many women on the internet express disgust at the male body, or disinterest. Men are creepy, lecherous, simian apes who, because they are aroused by them, worship Venus the goddess. There’s probably an element of narcissism here. But yes, the number of women who express this view, and don’t truly seem to want their partner for who they are seems high. I won’t put a percentage on it, but it seems like a sizable percentage, maybe a third or even more.
When I was younger I thought women were pretty similar in men in that respect. While I PERSONALLY found it hard to imagine thinking that someone could find men sexier than women (whether that be a gay man or a woman) I just assumed that women, since they were female, would be more turned on by the male form.
Now I’m hearing conflicting opinions. From, ‘I’m straight, I’m only attracted to men, women do nothing for me’, to ‘I’m straight but I find women sexier or they arouse me more.’ Keep in mind I’m speaking of self-identified ‘straight women.’ Interestingly, it seems it is BI-sexual women who express greater sexual interest in the male form – or view the male form more as a sex object – than purported straight women. Which leads me to think this whole eroticization of females by females actually doesn’t have as much to do with sexual orientation as you would think. Maybe bi women are just more open about their sexual desire, and have a more all-inclusive sense of sexual attraction. I would say bi men are similarly open-minded, with ‘hetero’ men and women being somewhat constrained by the heteronormative worldview.
I’m glad you mentioned the part about it being unfair to men as well. Men, believe it or not, want to be seen as sexy to. That does not make them less of a man or the ‘female’, let alone gay (unless he exclusively wants to be seen as sexy by men). As a straight male, I sometimes searched the internet for men being portrayed as sexy out of interest (or maybe in my bi-curious moments) but found little. Even on gay sites. But it was more curiosity than anything, to see what was out there. Personally, I want to be seen as sexy – if I work out, I want my efforts to be appreciated by my partner in the bedroom.
I felt alone when I thought about how skewed things were in terms of only females being portrayed as sexy. I think this is changing, very slowly, but at the same time female objectification is increasing still, and faster than male objectification. Like in the other blog, I mentioned the weird phenomena of only females showing off their legs, as if men didn’t have legs. The male torso is indeed sexy, but he’s much more than pecs and biceps. But no, there are women who say they are straight who are offended by men wearing speedos, because the male genitals are rude and to be covered up. It just seemed like a mixed up way to think but thinking about what you said it actually makes sense.
btw, I can find men sexy even as their bodies seem less sexually charged than the female form. But for some reason I find David Beckham’s body — or the way that he poses it — very sexy. I also find men’s faces very sexy, and get much more drawn to very attractive male faces than female faces. Some studies have found that about 75% of men are “face men” (choosing face over body if a choice must be made) and 25% of men are body men. But all women are “face women”: more drawn to the male face than body.
I lived in another country and saw males used in advertising and portrayed as being seductive. They were attractive men too. I came back to America and only women were portrayed like that. If I feel like seeing beautiful men I look at GQ magazine because there are some to be seen. I think that maybe the men who control advertising feel a little threatened or jealous of physically attractive men. But it’s sad because I think that men want to feel attractive and desired too. Yet, at the same time I think that it could make them feel somewhat powerless because if you didn’t win the genetic lottery you could tell yourself that money and power would make you physically attractive to others.
Interesting. Thanks for your perspective.
And you’re right. Men do comment on my blog that it bothers them that women don’t see them as being as sexually alluring as men see women. (Perhaps homophobia and simply only thininking about portraying “sex sells” in a way that appeals to men’s desires [that being the historical way of seeing] are also behind this.) Don’t know if this makes the men feel any better, but since women are presented with such a narrow notion of what “attractive” is, an awful lot of women don’t feel attractive either.
Sad all around if you ask me.
This is another very interesting article. I think a lot of this has to do with pornography and the portrayal of women in many of these pictures and videos. Porn seems like it is geared to men in general, and hard core pornography often portrays a dominance over women and makes them appear as though they are objects for men. I think that this occurrence is relayed to both women and men, and the idea that the man should be the dominate one in bed seems to be omnipresent (unfortunately). Also, traditional gender roles seem to contribute to this, because in the past women have unfortunately been viewed second to men, often looked at as housewives who exist to serve the needs of men. This sad occurrence could still be resonating today in the form of sexual roles like the ones this article describes.
After reading all the comments, its is amazing to see how many women actually feel about the men in their lives. One person mentioned that “all a man wants is sex”, but as a man I don’t think that is what ALL men want. Sex to a man is a very special experience. There is something inside of all of us, men, that propels us toward having sex. It is a very strong desire that everyone of us think about many times a day. In the world of porn, men sometimes find it hard to separate the online experience with the actual physical experience. Everywhere people see women as something other than their equal. The man needs to live in a way that lifts a woman to a higher place, where they too can enjoy the time they share with them. I will say that in a relationship it is probably the man 9 times out of 10 persuading the woman to have sex with him. However, when your are in a loving relationship, sex can be a wonderful experience for both of you. Having a healthy sexual relationship, I think, includes that part about sex. As long as couples share not only sex but closeness, love and happiness, relationships will continue to be exciting and fun.
I find David Beckham’s body more aesthetically appealing than perhaps most average women, but that does not mean I want to sleep with him (although if I had to turn gay for someone if would definitely be for someone like him, lol). But even as a straight male I think even the idea of someone like Becks being viewed as a sex object can be a turn on for me.
I think I’m more of a ‘face man’ myself. Although, I think like most men, I don’t really get turned on by the face alone. It’s a large component on whether I have a crush/like a woman (it always comes from the face first). I’m not sure many people fall in love with a person because of their body, more fall in lust with them.
Anyway back to the original question. I think the objectification of females, while it has occurred to some degree, is actually a pretty modern phenomena, and is related to the mass media. Once upon a time our socio-cultural values were shaped solely by our peer group: now, there is a whole generation of young people who are basically being fed by television, the internet, print media: of course that’s been going on for quite a few generations now, but never to this extent. There are an increasingly number of young teen’s who get all their ideas about sex from internet pornography, instead of experiencing everything anew through the rites of passage of adolescence. Since men really are more immediately turned on by visual stimuli, the use of ‘sex’ to sell a product is much more widespread. When women began to see all these images of other women, this created new standards in beauty. Now ads targeting women also feature ‘sexy women’, but more as a way to make them relate to that woman. That’s my take on it anyway.
Sounds right to me.
It saddens me to think that a lot of the reasons that women have low self esteem are mostly because of the influence of media and men’s perspectives. To think that a women has a hard time enjoying sex because of the fact that she is naturally seeing herself through a man’s eyes because she is the sexual object rather then her focus being on enjoying the experience for what it is is horrible. But unfortunately I can totally relate. In my own experiences I know that almost 80% of the time I’m very concerned with what I am doing for them and how I am looking to them rather than being concerned with my own enjoyment. It’s a constant struggle to force yourself to only be concerned with the experience and your own enjoyment rather than trying to suck it in in a certain position. It makes total sense that the author demonstrates that women and even very attractive women aren’t enjoying sex as much as they should be because outside sources have objectified women in a sexual way so much that women are seriously concerned about how good they look, preventing them from letting lose and losing themselves in what should be an incredible experience. I remember discussing a similar subject with a male friend of mine once and saying, “What should a women do in bed that would completely arouse you?” and he replied, “Don’t worry so much about us enjoying ourselves, worry about you enjoying yourself. There’s nothing hotter than a female letting go and getting turned on, and if I know you’re enjoying yourself than I’m gonna enjoy myself.” You heard it straight from the horses’ mouth ladies, do what you gotta do to get turned on. He’ll follow suit.
Good advice.
the type of females you’re talking about ARE NOT WOMEN THEY’RE GIRLS.i’m a dominant woman who only dates submissive males.IT’S COMMON FOR SUBMISSIVE MALES TO VIEW THEMSELVES AS SEX OBJECTS.i can tell you of a few pop stars who view themselves as sex objects.JUSTIN BIEBER is a sex object.so are some of the males who were(are) in the “twilight” movie series.MALE SEX OBJECTS ARE NOTHING NEW.they’ve been around,especially in the media for YEARS.
Yes, an individual man could see himself that way. Given our culture it’s most often the other way around.
Difference between the guys you talk about and the girls I talk about is that the guys are probably actually having a sexual experience in their submission, while these girls are only focused on how they look. (Some sex objects might experience their objectification as a turn on, but THESE girls aren’t.)
thats why most women dont have orgasms, your posts really speak to me I think simialar about it, but its not only bad for women to be honest men want also to be loved and sex and to being eroticized are important parts of love
Yes. If more women could get their minds off of how they look and focus on what they’re experiencing they’d enjoy sex a lot more. But women get a ton of messages from society, men, and other women, that how they look is most important. And I’d like to see the male body become more appreciated.
@ Christine
Yes but the male body is not viewed as sexual attractive, thats what its about