Are Women Culturally Monogamous?
We know that women aren’t destined to be monogamous by nature. Culture affects our sexual psyches.
Polygamist inclinations vary from person to person, but today’s Western women are much more monogamous than our Tahitian or American Indian sisters were before European contact. We are now also much more monogamous in our inclinations than men.
In surveys, men say they would prefer to have 14 partners over a lifetime. Over that same lifetime, women prefer to have only one or two.
A friend suggested that women were lying because they feared seeing themselves as sluts. Yet women admit to five real-life partners. (Here they are certainly underestimating. The real number is likely 8 or 9 for both men and women, given men’s estimate of 12.) But if they’re so worried, why not say they’ve had only 1 or 2 partners?
I was surprised by the low number of “one or two” as the preference, but I doubt women feel the need to go that low just to feel socially acceptable.
Younger women’s preferences may be higher. During the first year of college many willingly experiment with sex – and freely admit to it. But they quickly tire of random sexual contacts. Most drop out of the casual sex scene by sophomore year.
Men, on the other hand, don’t tire of the casual hook up, and want to continue even after college.
When it comes to open marriage or swinging, men are usually more enthusiastic, and more often initiate the idea.
So women seem less interested in casual sex than men. Quite likely because they are more repressed.
I feel that women are more repressed than is healthy. But I’m not sure that limits are all bad, for women or men.
When I read women’s studies literature, women are often advised to have sex more the way men do: have fun without guilt.
Yet men’s studies, which comes from a feminist perspective, often advises men to have sex more the way women do it. Don’t follow the 4 F’s: Find ‘em, Feel ‘em, F- ‘em, and Forget ‘em. Do not use women as a means of gaining a notch on your belt. Have sex in a context of love and care.
What do you think? How would you describe women’s ways and men’s ways of having sex? What are the positives and negatives of each approach? Is one way better than the other? Is there an optimal in-between? Do men and women tend to have different views on this issue?
I’m interested in exploring the matter. I’d like to year your thoughts, too.
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Posted on December 22, 2010, in feminism, gender, men, psychology, race/ethnicity, sex, sexism, women and tagged American Indian, culture, feminism, gender, hooking up, men, monogamy, Native American, open marriage, polygamy, sex, sexual repression, swingers, Tahitians, women. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.
I think that you hit the nail on the head when you stated “Western women are much more monogamous than our Tahitian or American Indian sisters were before European contact.” Native American women were also the land and property owners in the tribe. They chose their spouses and in order to be chosen….men had to PROVE their worth. At least in Cherokee culture. That all changed when European came on the scene to teach the “heathen” what was right.
I think it plays into what I call “the scared white man” mentality. They possess some deep seeded need to always be in control and “on top”
To segway a tad: Even the traditional “lay in a bed with feet in stirrups” childbirth was initiated by a king so that he could see better. Not for any medical of childbirth comfort reason.
Over and over again I see historical changes, some very petty, just as a way to prove to themselves that the European man is in control.
The truly ironic thing is that many European countries are actually more in-tune with sexuality than we are here in the States. Many women I know, and remember I live in the Bible belt of the mid-west, would not agree with just having one or two partners. Many have had the number of 14 and beyond. The men here would say that none to one is their preference for their women (of course). I think that plays into their idea that they OWN their women. They are are possession, chattel if you will. Versus the same Mid-Western men who have no issue with many more than the 14 they are claiming. Some even have the idea that “something on the side” is no big deal. AND social structures and media play into that.
I don’t think any of us are pre-wired to remain with one person all 80 plus years that we walk this earth. Man or woman. As humans we make that CHOICE to do so. I agree that women are more repressed than what is healthy and yet we are subjected to cat-calls, sexual harassment, slave trade, battery, you name it, just to follow along with the idea that men control everything and therefore MUST be right that women are objects.
On the flip side I think that being a man has a pressure to conquer at all levels. Again something that is shown to us in the media and taught by various “teachers” including ones own church. I do not believe that this is fair to them either.
What it comes down to is one having their own mind. (without getting into the individual psyche) Neither man nor woman should continue to be concerned with what current society dictates. Sex is a personal choice and should be addressed on a personal level. Quite frankly, from what I have been seeing, we are back-peddling in this area. It is time that women stand up and tell the mean scary man of society to “Kiss their grits” and do as they please.
Women and men both gain arousal from intercourse, both have an orgasm, and both naturally want sex. Culture definitely represses women into feeling more guilty about sex, especially if the sex occurs outside a committed relationship. Media more recently has been encouraging random sex for women, but the ideologies of old still haunt the minds of women, whether it come through their parents, friends parents, or peers who have more old school ways of thinking on sex. The test results were most likely way off for women, because they have a self-made paychological block to ever admitting things like wanting many sex partners.